Two weeks ago I returned w/ my girl well refreshed from one of the best vacations I've ever had. Last Saturday night I was part of a dinner party that included my love and some great friends, we had one of those magical evenings when everyone was on and a perfect time had by all, you could never plan such a night, it takes star and planet alignment. With r and r like this it's hard to imagine that one could be exhausted. Well I am. This grind is killing me. I have been at it for most of my adult working life. Stuck in realativly well paying jobs that are mindless and unfulfilling. In my twenties it wasnt so hard because at the time I was making more money than even my more educated contemporaries. I always worked in a factory union job or construction and now this telecom gig. It seemed hard to quit, start over and go get an education to do something I was really interested in. Then of course one gets involved w/ relationships, has kids, blah blah blah...next thing you know you're a looser. My afore mentioned contemporaries are now reaping benefits form the gained momentum of education and smart chioces. I'm looking my mid-thirties square in the face and here I am, seemingly stuck in this meaningless, mindless unfulfilling job. The pay is good but this grind is hell. Nearly twelve hours of my day are dedicated to this hamsters wheel, with the commute and lunch, an eight hour tour of duty is stretched to nearly 50% of my day. If I chose to get the recomended eight hours of sleep each night, that leaves four measly hours to run errands, take care of household needs, eat, try to bond w/ my daughter, make sure her errands are run, her needs are taken care of, her emotional well being taken ito account. I have the love of my life and strong relationships take alot of work. She has needs, we have needs and these time constraints get taxing. This is just scraping of the surface of course and I know I'm not alone, but this grind is killing me, killing me from the inside. What oh what is the answer? Idealy I would like to quit, get a part time job and go to school full time, study something that I really dig, pump it out for the next four to five years and get my degree. The time constraints would be heavy still, but just doing something productive, creative would take the sting off of the reality of it. Being out there, I think I could explore my creativity, my wants and needs. I can think of many unique creative ideas for alternate income to suppliment the part time work. Having an everchanging schedule due to schooling and work loads would actually be a refreshing change to this God damn endless regimine that I am forced to stick to now. Just having maybe 3 hours on a Wednesday afternoon between classes and work to steal away w/ my soulmate for lunch or a friday morning bike ride w/ my little girl would be great. Maybe being forced to get financially creative would require me to launch one of the many bussiness venture ideas that I obsess on. Then when my means to the end has been met I could get a job teaching or something, have a fulfilling career with summers off. Jared said it, "Imagine having three weeks off w/ your 'girl' every December!" Oh what a life we could have....Pipe dreams I know. The reality of it is that I am enslaved to a self imposed indentured servitude. I had in the past many opertunities to change the current path but did not. I subscribed to the blue coller cyclical hell, I played alot, I partied, I worked hard like a good little bee should, and did the bidding of the real movers and shakers all the while living for the weekends and a couple weeks a year vacation to to go out and "recharge". I got heavy into debt (relatively), had a kid, and worst of all I got old. Too old to drop everything and follow my dreams to do something which I should have taken care of 15 yrs ago. Too old to subscribe the ones I love to 5-6 years of church mouse style living. Too old to quit this shitty 50k/yr grind to get trained for a job that starts at 30k. Could I be that selfish? I could go on and on and on, but I won't. I'll just grin and bare it, keep a positive attitude and count my blessings, my beautiful daughter Madison, the incredible soul connection that I have with my lover, soul mate and cosmic adventurer Melanie, good friends and my Volvo....