The Viagra Chronicle

I snorted Viagra on Sunday. The same way one would snort some coke or a lil’ speed, I did the krypto-wonder drug, Viagra. In preparation for nasal inhalation, I first pulverized the little blue beauty with the hard plastic shell of a pill cutter, the very pill cutter I had just used to chop my 100mg tablets in half with, leaving me fifty mg’s, the recommended dose. First order of business is to remove the electric-blue skin. The crushing renders it nearly intact, like a snakeskin that’s been shed; I just toss it in my mouth and swallow, for it is fortified with some residue of the caplets drug. Then, just like with cocaine and other powdery alchemy, I chopped it into tiny bits with a razor blade, forming a small pile of powder the likes of an anthill. I drag the blade, cocked and angled just so, to form long slim lines of powder that trail off the aft end of the blade like a jet stream. An IKEA straw from a bulk pack that lies in third drawer down, left of the fridge, is cut just so. Nostril bows to straw end, and in a flash the slippery line vanishes, slinking it’s way toward my brain.
This is not my first Viagra experience. Though I suffer from no sexual dysfunction per se, I really wanted to know what all the hype was about. I found after a bit of on-line research that it is very easy to cop a script and a bottle of this blue magic. Just get on the net, you’ll have it in a coupla days. I have been doing some trial runs lately, about once per week, with my live-in girl friend and soul mate. She, mind you, is in her early thirties and has experienced a real sexual awakening in the past several years. She loves to fuck, a lot. We have sex and make love an average of 3-4, maaaaybe 5 days per week, and in my late thirties it can be a little hard to keep up. So I thought, what the fuck, let’s try it. I have a long history of drug experimentation and I love to fuck (three days per week anyway), so I am willing to try pretty much anything. After a few trial runs I am pleased.
I have not actually used any streets narcotics in over 13 years. I smoke grass frequently; drink wine and beer more than some, but heavy narcotics just kind of stopped fitting into my lifestyle. That said, I had done enough street crap to know that nasal inhalation is the most effective method of ingesting anything, short of main-lining of course. I am though, just a fucking suburbanite, so no injecting unless it’s from the Doctor or I’m injecting a flavor syringe into a holiday turkey. When snorted, all the ill side effects of Viagra are amplified. Normally, it can cause nasal congestion, a red and flushed face, a slight sinus type headache and this strange purple aura seen around anything that is bright. It’s really quite trippy, reminiscent of acid trails, though you can still feel the ground and your cigarette isn’t breathing in between your fingers.
After snorting, these symptoms show up nearly immediately, especially the congestion. As well though, the magic of Viagra, the cause we seek, kicks in right away. Within 5 minutes, I was in the shower with my girl, sniffling and snorting but rock hard, all it took was the slightest glimpse of her very perky A-cup tits and I new this was going to be a great afternoon. I found myself with a devastating dick control, so goddamned hard and ready to plow. It doesn’t exactly “give” you greater longevity, but the control afforded by the power boner really helps. We went into a long shower session that ended up on the bed. After a time, I was just too turned on and exploded. Up to that point, we were having some epic sex, but that was only the beginning.
On any normal, drugless sex day, that would be it, a day. I am usually done for the day as far as sex goes once I’ve cum. It wasn’t always this way, it may be a sign of age, health, who knows, but it is my reality. Now, with my nitro burnin’ hot rod dick, it just kept coming back. Within minutes, for no apparent reason the dick rears up as if detached, ready for more. My girl got fucked that day, fucked savagely with three or four long lasting sessions spanning the next few hours. I came again and the dick came back once more. I’d have to stop periodically just to rest, catch my breath and towel off. This is a workout that beats any gym, this is real deal sexual aerobics, those with “conditions”, be aware. The beauty of it is that there is no restraint, no trying “not” to cum. She got flipped, fucked, spun and twisted every which way, we used a vibrator on her clit while fucking, she just spread out, legs and arms akimbo, exhausted as well, while I just boned the ever loving life out of her. Finally, we just collapsed in a fleshy, sweaty heap, too tired and winded to go on. It had been an ethereal, surreal, sensual journey.
I have, with normal oral ingestion methods, noticed a slight lingering effect the next day. Not with snorting. This method ensures the full-blown Viagra experience in a short time span. Orally, one must wait up to an hour for full effect, as stated earlier though, while I was still choking down the bitter blue pill drips, my dick was looking me straight in the eye. This is a method I would recommend for any casual Viagra adventurers.
Overall, I give the whole experience a 4 out of 5 stars. I would never want to substitute the Viagra fuck-fest for normal lovemaking, it does have its place though, in my "approaching middle age, watered down version of the sex-drugs-rock and roll lifestyle". While you won’t see Jesus or paint sunflowers, in fact you may not even write clever prose afterwards, but you will have a great time, your partner will dig it and you’ll feel cool at having gotten actual “script” w/ out having to see your Doc. For our gay friends out there, I am sure you guys could have double the pleasure, kinda like Godzilla vs. King Kong. The next step will be to try some “trail mix”, a blend of ecstasy and Viagra. Stay tuned for a new installment!

Most Candidly, Subvert

A vicious winter storm that originated in the cold waters of the Northern Pacific had now reached the mainland and was gnashing mercilessly at the central California coast. The steep craggy cliffs that stand like ever-vigilant sentries bore the brunt of the storms roiling fury. Along this ragged edge of the continent, the famed California Highway 1 clings precariously to these battered cliffs, hanging spectacularly above the sea as it snakes its way up the western coastline. Days of pounding surf, raging winds and non stop rain begin to take their toll as the mighty mountain walls lose grip of their smaller members and rock slides begin to litter the windy road.
It is on this storm battered highway that my soul mate and I find ourselves driving north, heading to our spiritual home in Big Sur. Safe within the confines of our auto, we ride comfortably, dry and warm. In the CD player, Van Morrison rides along as well, soothing us and setting the mood. We are so protected from the storm outside that it almost seems like a beautiful dream.
Climbing and carving our way along, the storm outside only grows more ferocious, the climate inside only more comfortable. Confidently we hug the corners, gliding in and out of the ravines and ridges, artfully dodging the stormy deposits of rocks and debris that lay in wait to dash the travel plans of any less suspecting drivers. Now about fifteen miles south of our destination, the scenery grows more astounding, the sounds of Astral Weeks fills our cabin and the reassuring glance of my lover all combine in an instant of bliss…then, BLAM!!!
The rocks jagged edge had easily cut its way through the sidewall of our right front tire, releasing all thirty-five pounds per square inch of air in one fantastic burst. I regain control and limp toward the next pull out. Coming to grips with my battered ego over this novice level drivers mistake will have to wait, for now its time to change the tire. The pull out is a muddy gravel patch on the outside of a sharp curve between the sea and the road. We limp over and park, perched above the stormy sea on a nub of buffeted coastline.
I step out and the dream storm that I had minutes before watched in comfort like a TV show is now alive and in my face. Fifty feet below, thunderous waves roll in, as large as locomotives they ceaselessly pound the cliffs face so forcefully that the rumble is felt in my chest. The wind, so cold and heavy, drives the marble size raindrops with gale force, quickly soaking me to the skin. Working in the mud, waterlogged and shivering, I begin to curse the car and myself. No use trying to avoid the mud, it’s everywhere. The manufacturer provided tools, designed specifically to do this very job of tire changing, become cumbersome and slippery. Even my hair, which is now soaked stringy and in my face, is a bother. AAARRGG!
Teetering on the brink of total discouragement, without notice, the car doors suddenly fly open, the CD player, obviously cranked to ten, is blaring Van Morrison’s Sweet Thing. My soul mate has stepped out, and in spite of the storms nastiest efforts, she begins to dance. Arms flung out from her sides, she spins and glides and pirouettes her way gracefully around the mud bog. Rather than reckoning with the storm, she welcomes the rain and wind and cold and surf, becomes a part of it.
Knowing full well that fairies inhabit this magical strip of land where the forest meets the sea, I’m forced to double take. It is she of course, my fairy, fluttering in with the grace and strength of a Grecian Goddess, here to save me from overlooking this magical moment. This moment that has us here, drenched in Mother Nature’s grandeur, together, in love, dancing to Van Morrison’s masterwork, on the most beautiful patch of land in the Earth.

I am back. This blog is no longer abandoned. I must say that the archives are mostly shit, trite, boring rants. I am a different person. Expect big changes!!

What you are afraid to do is a clear indicator of the next thing you need to do.


-unknown-

Oh well, it's been nearly five days and no posts. Sorry Manda. I am just to distracted right now to post. AHHHHHHG, there really is no rest for the wicked. I have way too many things going on right now. My grandmother is in the hospital and not doing well. Her surgery for a severe bleeding ulcer went well but she slipped into a stroke during recovery. She is totally out of it and as of now no one knows what the future holds for her. We'll just wait and see.
I also received a thirty-day notice from my landlord last Wednesday. Huh? I have lived here for three years and only heard from her once, two years ago when my rent check bounced. Never heard from her otherwise. She was the best landlord I've ever had. My rent was also only $650/ month in RSD. My neighbor pays over $1300. What a great deal I've had. "Like they say though, all good things come to an end." The real problem is that I went through so much hassle to get my kid enrolled in the school district out here and now who knows what will happen. Hopefully this is a new beginning though, a silver lining if you will. Melanie and I may move in together and this is an exciting prospect. I am very much looking forward to building a "home" with this woman, she lights my life.
To continue, the tranny on my stately Volvo is giving me trouble. In order to get an estimate for repair though; the shop needs to keep the car, leaving me without transpo for a bit. This hassle accompanied by possible repair costs between $250 and $1300 makes me stressed. Now, just before I was ready to commit to the repair, my credit union sends me a "pre-approved auto loan at 5.75%." Wow, I guess I'll get a little used pick up and keep my payments low. I do not want to get in so deep that I am married to my current job, (if you've seen past posts you know that I hate this job) but the relieved break down stress will be refreshing.
So there you have it, the three biggest stresses in my life this week. Though there is never a shortage of stress, this week is little heavy. I must say though, I have been learning to rely on support from friends, family, and my lover and I seem to be dealing with it pretty well. Thank you all.

Answers to the castle quiz:

1. My middle name is John. It may be after my grandfather, John T. Hobbs, although I have two Uncle Johns. John also happens to be the second most used name for English speakers. Of course, #1 is Michael. Perhaps my parents wanted me to be popular.
2. 1.The instant my daughter was born. I felt like nature had embraced me. 2.Camping on a 20 mile long deserted beach just north of Sydney Australia and realizing that I was 25, had absolutely zero responsibilities, no time frames or itineraries and I really was on an incredible adventure. The kind I had dreamed of all of my life. 3. The first time that I had celebrated Christmas as an adult. I had not done x-mas since I was three and I celebrated w/ my then girlfriend and best friend, we all lived together and we had for that moment some semblance of a happy little family.
3. One year in Europe, with an Eurail pass and no itinerary. Just bump around here and there, me, my backpack and a pad for writing.
4. Mr. McGrath, 11th and 12th grades shop teacher. He is a real genius and a real Renaissance man. This guy taught me that it’s cool to be literate and well read as well as a craftsman and a race car driver. He could build anything out of anything, he would deliver his favourite poetry from rote, he was always quoting the authors that he loved. He was and may still be the race announcer at El Cajon speedway. He also owned his own company building racecar bodies. He was a competitive kayak and canoe pilot and builder. He loved all the things that I love and he was cool. He showed what it’s like to have many interests and be great at all of them.
5. Ben and Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk. Not a better ice cream made.
6. Leo Ellis, Molly, Keith Jackson (the only person I have ever picked on)
7. Fact, I saw Elvis riding one with Sasquatch and Nessie.
8. Way too big, baggy and bulgy. Easily bloodshot. Color is between brown/green or hazel with emphasis on brown. I think some people are very intrigued by them, some scared. Most girls that like me like the eyes though, until they get scared of me.
9. Mike, Mikey, Mickey toes, Kirby, Kirb, Skirb…asshole
10. Fleeting moments that last only so long, sometimes as long as a breath, when I breathe in, sigh and all is well w/ myself.

Song of the Day:
"Always Something There to Memind Me" - Naked Eyes

Da Dah Dah Daah De Dah....

Sometimes, when walking for some distance, I like to pretend that I’m a small brown bear wearing a little sleeveless, purple vest. I am ambulating on a large blue circus ball called earth and rather than moving toward my destination, as I walk, point b is actually rolling up around the circus ball, coming to me.

Her is a published list of Jack Blacks top 5 albums of all time. How do you feel about these?

1. The Bends by Radiohead: "The best band in the history of rock"
2. Exile in Guyville by Liz Phair: "So complex and delicious"
3. Freedom of Choice by Devo: "a genius theatrically" and "kick-ass tunes"
4. We Sold Our Souls for Rock and Roll by Black Sabbath: "This album is
a capsule of a romantic time when Satan was real"
5. Surfer Rosa by The Pixies: "so primal and original"

This guy is so f'n funny live, my neck and chest literally ache from laughing. (or maybe it was puking a couple of nights before)

Oh my God!!!
It’s “Edward Scissor Hands” meets “A Clockwork Orange” meets “Weird Science” meets “Time Bandits”…
After only one viewing, “Donny Darko” has moved to desert island movie status. It is secure in my top ten movie spots. I will be watching this flick many more times and I have a feeling that it will break the top five. Straight to video? What the hell is that about? I personally think it was the airplane motor falling into the home that scratched the theatrical release.(I got a little freaked out 9/11 feeling for a second). After all, there is nothing else about this flick that could doom it to “straight to video”. Great acting, beautiful imagery, succinct dialog and so many little tid -bits and double entendres and clues and hints in the back ground, I’ll need a couple more screenings and a note pad just to scratch the surface. We here in blog-land may have to dedicate some space to open discussion of this masterpiece with all of our comparative might.
I need to digest this for a while longer before I really start laying it out here. I am literally reeling. Last night the flick ended at about 12:30 am, well past my weekday bed time, and afterward I just lie there in bed thinking, I couldn’t stop the grinding in my head that this movie afflicted me with. I’m still trying to put it all together, and I’m not even sure that after ten more viewings I’ll ever fully grasp the premise.
Bravo to Drew Barrymore (sip) the producer, the kid who played the superhero Donny, the genius who wrote and directed, and to all involved. I will be learning the names of these perpetrators so as to check any other work they may be involved with. I hope you all see this flick, embrace it, and post on your blogs your feeling about this new favourite of mine.

Most candidly, Michael “you’re bitch-in, but you’re not a bitch” Kirby

ATTN: Dog Town and Z-Boys, coming to San Diego Theaters Friday, May 3rd. Check todays UT currents section. Stacy Peralta is shown carving Coronado skate park present day. Two thumbs up!!!!!!!!